Anxiety. Well at least for me because like a lot of young people that want to breeze through life, I am impatient. Sometimes I wish God would just go down from heaven and walk with me and we'll talk about His plan and my part in that. I don't want to wait. I figured life is too short and I want my whole short life to be given up for His service. I want to know His plan NOW so I could act on it. This was what I was thinking at the end of the year since a new year is already beginning and I'm still not sure where He wants me to go.
I realized that rushing on things, letting your anxiety (which can be mistaken as "passion to serve") take over you is foolish. It is my pride working. I forgot to listen. I wasn't able to see that for me to wait is part of His plan. To wait. There are so many instances in our lives that we must wait. Waiting is a painful process of understanding so much yet still not understanding anything, of being able to explain to yourself yet not being able to express that to others, of putting the pieces of a puzzle together but not knowing the whole picture. It is part of our growth. As my friend Jaymee said, even caterpillars have to wait to become butterflies. Mothers wait till it is time for them to give birth. Trees wait till spring for them to bear fruit again. Waiting is God's way of preparing us for something great (what that something is, I don't know). It is a sacrament (ß von, pahiram). As the poet Rainer Maria Rilke eloquently puts it, "Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them."
There's this prayer during the mass (after the "Our Father") which goes:
"Lord, deliver us from our sins and grant us peace in our day, in your mercy keep us free from sins and protect us from all anxiety as we wait in joyful hope for the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ."
Protect us from all anxiety (as we WAIT). I do pray for this. Why am I anxious (aside from the obvious reason that I am impatient)? I read somewhere or somebody told me (or both, can't exactly remember), that anxiety is useless worry. That's true. But I guess anxiety can also be defined as "lack of trust". It is what happens when I don't trust God enough. It is when I believe so much in my capacity that I forget that He's there, that He's always with me. It is when I think that I'm alone in this fight (which I even labeled, "my fight"). I forget Him. I forget His promise that "all shall be well". I am too scared to fail, to make the wrong decision, to mess everything up. That's why waiting is hard for me. I worry so much about things in the future and about my future that I forget that I am in the palm of His hands.
What does it mean to let the Lord take charge of everything?
I got the answer just this morning from the priest's homily. He said that we should never forget that it was God who called us first. Just as Christ invited the first apostles, "Come follow Me", He's the one who initiates the action and we are just followers. It is not for us to demand. It is not what I want (I want to know, I don't want to wait…) but what He wants. To let the Lord take charge of everything is to always remember this. It is, after all, His mission and His plan not mine.
I am not comfortable with being unsure of the next step that I have to take, of not taking control. I used to take charge of my life. I can't say the same now. And what's beautiful about it is that I feel more free!
God, please take charge of my life. Help me to trust You more and to always remember that You called me first. If You want me to wait, I'll wait. I believe that you will make things clear to me eventually. And the best thing is, while I am waiting, I know that you will never leave my side. I have faith that all of these are for Your greater glory.
Amen.
written and emailed to me by ate Sabs, 24 January 2006.
