Eto na.

I don't know what to say (ay shet hindi yun).

Almost all my friends who graduated last week have written something about saying farewell, or something about their anxieties, their gratitude, etc. I have been meaning to write but I really don't know what to say. I guess, as always, I'm thinking too much about it again. So now I'll just let things flow. Without thinking much, just feeling more.

On the way back from the 8-day retreat, Dice and I were talking about how we felt that in a week we were already graduating. I really did not know how to feel, it's sort of mixed up within me. I was anxious, I was happy, scared, excited, confused, and a whole lot more. I was happy and relieved that finally, I'm graduating, but after that what happens? It's different from graduating from High School since after that I am sure that there's still school, that is college. There's still the structured institution I am stuck in. As I told one of my friends the other day, I miss the security of school. Everything seemed to be so secure then. I know where to go, I know what to do, I just know. But after graduating, what happens?

It's funny that with the freedom that graduation brings comes also restrictions.

It's not really that easy. Well, nobody ever said that life is easy.

This morning, I was reflecting on the reasons why I did things. Am I the sort of person who just does things "just because" or do I have a deeper reason? I feel like I need to have another eight days to think about this. Haha. Last night I dreamt that I was in Baguio again. I was again in silence. Honestly, I just want to stay there. I felt secure there. But then I know that I should not. The ninth day is very important for this is my time to answer the call. This is the time to fully live out what I've learned from the retreat. I have to nourish that seed until it blooms, and when it does bloom, I hope to share it with others.

After 13 years in San Beda, and four years in Ateneo, what comes next?


I don't know. I really don't know.



Let me think again.